Lion King: animal – asshole

Hi, this is Just Like Animals and its host – Madagascar hissing cockroach Urgant. Urgant has a lot to tell us but she misses the vocal apparatus. So, I, Zhenya Timonova, will speak instead.

Some people look like animals. And they are most proud when we compare them to a lion. But this is quite strange. Because, the lion … Well, the lion is an animal-asshole.

The lion is a polygamist. He heads a pride of females and cubs. All of them are his wives and children.

Although the lion has to feed his family, he hates hunting. Female lions hunt instead of him. Lionesses hunt in groups using tactics based on teamwork, with each animal playing a specific role.

The lion comes when the hunt is over to chase away the lionesses. Then, he starts eating till his appetite is satisfied. And this happens after about 30 kilos.

But now and then, the lion can catch his own prey, mostly animals that are easy to catch. The lion hates running. It’s very hot in the savannah, and his mane always gets in the way. And because hunting is not a royal affair at all. But if the lion manages to make a kill, he won’t share it. He will eat and sleep and eat till the prey is fully consumed.

 So, why would such proud and independent lionesses feed this parasite? Here is why. The lion, like the most assholes, is absolutely fabulous in sex. The skin on his penis has hundreds of studs that increase sensation, just like studded condoms do. The sensation is so strong that it leads to ovulation. To avoid getting pregnant from a weakling, lionesses have learned not to  ovulate before the act of love is performed many, many times. This is when hero starts acting like the king of animals. Sometimes 40 times per day. Forty. Times. Per day. Come on, girls, he doesn’t eat that much.

And when the lion is not eating, sleeping or copulating, he is occupied with patrolling his territory. He walks around and fiercely roars. He doesn’t walk too far, but his roar can be heard from a distance of 8 km. The lion guards his pride quite selectively. If someone attacks with a spear or a gun, the lion will not defend his pride. He will rather head for the hills.

But if his territory is invaded by another male, he will fight him like a lion. An enemy with a spear or a gun usually comes to get just one or two heads. But another lion comes to get his whole pride. “My whole pride!” And “My” is the most sacred word on Earth to the lion and other assholes.

lion fight

During the lion’s fight, lionesses fully back their paterfamilias, no matter how bad he might be. If the other lion will kick the daddy’s ass, he will first banish all young lions. Young males and immature females – get out and live as you wish. Then, he will kill small cubs and cover all the lionesses, in order to conceive his own children, new and proper. That’s why lionesses have no choice but to fight for the current daddy.

When young males reach maturity, their father will kick them out into the cold anyway. Except when young lions are strong and sturdy, and their daddy is getting old and weak. Then, young males stay in the pride to protect its territory and await the father’s death. Or to speed it up, if possible.

But more often, young lions get banished from the pride and have to roam the savannah for years, contemplating their destiny. Some of them remain nomads for the rest of their lives. The most man-eating lions are just like that. Desolate and with tooth decay. Other banished lions form homosexual couples. Or they hang out around other prides before the legitimitate owner kilss them. Or they kill him.

The king of animals has no other choice than living his life as an outcast, gay or asshole. The fact that lions live like that, is perfectly normal. But believing that acting like a lion is glorious and heroic, certainly defines us.

We were Just Like Other Animals. Bye.

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